It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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