TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
