How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize