i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
