You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
