Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
