someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We were destined to go to rehab together
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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