My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
