I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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