burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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