My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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