Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
