when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
