C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
