I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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