I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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