Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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