I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
