So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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