I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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