I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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