my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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