I didn't shave. On purpose
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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