Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
