and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
