You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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