Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
