I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
