Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
