I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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