Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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