I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize