Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
