Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
