Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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