you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
