Rock
Scissors
Fuck
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
