Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
