Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
