Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
