Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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