the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize