trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize