make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
