I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
