I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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