maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
