Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
