Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just found puke in my bra..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
