apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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