New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
