her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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