Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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