and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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