omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just gargled with NyQuil
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
