Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
