my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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