tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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